A Mysterious Record of Life

Summer Solstice

Happy Summer Solstice to one and all!

There are lots of thoughts floating about on the significance of Summer Solstice and ways for people to celebrate the day.

The Wild Hunt has some ideas if you want to read more.

Labels: nature, stars

JB aka JayBee created this post at 10:26 AM.

Spirit Journey with The Wise One and The Stars

A spirit journey is a sort of meditation. You go somewhere, experience or do something, and then you return. This meditation can also be called a trance or a visualization. This post is about my latest spirit journey, one I took in tandem with seven other gay witches.

I stretched out on the floor and prepared to clear my mind of thoughts. It so happened that I choose the physical area on the floor of Danny's home such that my head was in the front doorway of his home, that led to the front porch and his front door. It felt like an auspicious (lucky) spot to be in.

Cian's voice started us on our paths, reassuring us as we relaxed our bodies that we would be in just the right place to start our personal spirit journey when it was time to start it. His voice led us down ten steps toward our starting place and once I had arrived there a bell rang.

Donald's voice took over from Cian, and he reminded us of our chosen intention for this journey. We were to meet with the Wise One to communicate and to see and consult the stars.

A figure materialized in the distance. I knew soon who it was, one of my friends and spiritual teachers, DeeDee, who passed from this world on January 2, 2008 exactly one week after my doctor told me that my cancer had returned. I knew that it was DeeDee because of the sari that draped his body. It was very similar to the one that he had given to me. It was yellow with the symbol for Aum on it. We advanced toward each other and embraced and I felt very loved and accepted. Part of me wanted to apologize for not being at his memorial in Kansas City and part of me wanted to apologize for a previous sin of calling he and several other elders the "old guard" on the last occasion that I had seen him. I knew that he had forgiven me for the insult and had taken no offense by my absence at his memorial, so I did not apologize, and instead I expressed my love for him.

He was happy to see me and we began walking together down a famliar path at Camp Gaea that would eventually lead us up to the ridge above where we could observe the stars. Time was compressed as we walked this long path, but eventually we emerged from the wooded path onto the ridge under an open sky full of stars. I began to ask my questions.

First I asked him about this community. I asked him about this group of queer witches that I had shown up to be a part of. "Why did I decide to attend this group here tonight what is this group going to be all about?"

"Well," he said furrowing his brow and thinking of the most obvious answer to my question. Speaking slowly like a school teacher explaining an elementary concept, "You have something to teach them, and you have something to learn from them." The answer seemed so obvious that I was almost embarrassed for asking the question. "And" he continued, "It will give you a chance each month to spend time with people you care deeply about." Images of Donald and Connie flashed in my head. Since the other members of the group are still very new to me, I asked him about each new person and he assured me that each has something unique to teach me. I laughed at myself and agreed that these queer witches probably do have some things to teach me.

Then I turned my next question toward myself personally. "DeeDee, will I be ready for death when it comes to be my time to die?" I asked him looking into his big beautiful kind eyes.

"Oh honey that is so cute," he said, "No one is ever really ready to die." He smiled at me with his honest and kind face.


Portrait by Don Kitz

A great pressure relieving sigh escaped from my lungs and I knew that what he said was true. It was oddly comforting. I didn't have to worry about being ready to die. Someday I will die anyway, unprepared, just like everyone else. I chuckled audibly and thanked him for his Buddha wisdom.

I was about to ask a question regarding one of my sisters, and before I could get the words out he knew what I was asking and he said, "I thought you loved Ganesha. You know you have to finish what you start. You can't just leave this unresolved forever. The way it is now is unfair to you and it is unfair to her. Communicate with her and tell her what you think and more importantly how you feel." I knew this was the right thing to do, I knew it before my spirit vision, but it is so hard to do some things. It was good to hear.

We stared up at the August stars above us. When I saw DeeDee in life, there were always July or August stars above at that place. I wanted to stay there for a long time with him, but in these sorts of things, time is always too short, and before one is ready you hear a voice calling you back to the present.

Donald's voice was reaching me from the room. Donald said that it was time to return and to follow the same path back that we had walked to this place.

DeeDee said, "Don't listen to Donald, let's just take the stairs." So we did take the stairs, right back to where we had first embraced, near the dining hall at Camp Gaea. We hugged each other again, and I told DeeDee how much I appreciated him and how I wish I did not have to go so soon. He smiled big and waved as he floated away and dissolved. I was emerging from my vision now like murky water.

I opened my eyes and I was in the present, in South Minneapolis, in the doorway to Danny's home.

Labels: magic, mystery, spiritual path, stars, witchcraft

JB aka JayBee created this post at 5:09 PM.

Meeting with a Queer Witches Group

I met with a bunch of queer witches tonight. The group had met twice before in the last two months, but it was my first time attending. It was interesting to see the five new faces and two familiar faces. I found the group a bit chaotic at first, but once the circle was cast things seemed to move along just fine.

Connie and Donald from my previous witch class were there, and in addition the group was made up of an additional two women and three men. There were eight of us present and there was one additional member who was absent from the group.

After admiring the host's garden, which I understand is named Tallulah, we went inside and sat around a table. After some chatter, we cast a circle using the "From my heart to your heart the circle is cast" method. We checked in around the table regarding the goings on in our lives.

I was asked to draw a card from a Fey (faery) deck of Tarot cards. I drew the Wisest One, which in most decks is called the Hierophant (or Pope). My sense is that in the Fey deck, he is called the Wise One so that queer buttons do not get pushed, since in our modern world, the Roman Catholic Pope condemns homosexuality and the fey interpretation of the Tarot wants to encourage thinking about this card in a way that is not colored by that negative response.

Another member of the group, Eli, drew another card to help clarify the first card. She drew the Star. I thought this was a very interesting combination. The Star represents a pointer, or a way of finding direction. The cards seemed to be telling us that we had both points of reference to guide us and the wisdom to read those points to move forward.

The group thought that these cards would be good to take into an intention filed spirit journey. I will write about my experience in trance in my next post.

I realize that nine months have passed since I last posted here. Much has happened in my life since then. I have maintained a life of spirit through this time, despite my silence here.

Labels: community, mystery, spiritual path, witchcraft

JB aka JayBee created this post at 12:58 AM.

Words of Power and Images of Nature

Days and months pass by quickly during the warmth of June, July, and August. Meaning, love, friendship and fresh food are abundant when the sun is high in the sky. Summer has been in bloom and I have been cherishing her warm embrace.

I want to share my friend Connie's Prayer For a Changing World. It left me pondering and speechless. She has been working on this prayer for the past year. Her verses are highly personal and truly hold power within them.

I am honored by our friendship.

This morning, she and I walked the halls of beauty in the Minneapolis Institute of Art, taking in the world through eyes of Scandinavian artists long dead in A Mirror of Nature: Nordic Landscape Painting 1840-1910.

Connie reminds me to make choices that include seeing the beauty around me. She challenges me to think and feel and communicate. Friends like this are worth more than gold.

I am honored by our friendship.

Labels: nature, spiritual path

JB aka JayBee created this post at 10:49 PM.

Finding Your Inner Druid: Gardening as a Spiritual Path

I have spent many hours in the past few weeks building and tending the gardens around my home. During that time I have sweat into the earth as I dug and planted and cultivated patches of earth, nurturing some plants and pulling other plants up by the roots.

My cat, normally an indoor lap cat, has been outside, joining me in the garden. She seems aware of primal forces that she is otherwise removed from in her day to day activities. I can relate to her new awareness.

The green life (plants) and the brown life (fungi and bacteria) contain palpable life energy that is invigorating to my mammalian flesh. The dirt beneath my fingertips feels good. The earthy scent of roots and worms is a refreshing change from deodorants and scented fabric softeners. There is something real in my garden, something not contained in digital keystrokes or first person virtual environments. The sun beams light into these fantastic green plants filled with phytochemicals that quite literally turn light into energy. How do some people forget that these kind of wonders exist around them every day?

The ability to manipulate the soil, to till it and add to the the fertility of a given piece of land by adding compost and other beneficial components to the soil is akin to practicing a living alchemy. Cultivating herbs and food producing plants means that we can again quite literally eat of the fruit of our labor. Even those of us living in the city have the ability to produce more food than we can eat, utilizing the small plots of earth around our homes.

For those of you that live in rural settings this line of thought may seem mundane. "Of COURSE plants are all around us creating food for us," I can hear you saying, "and this is news or something?" For many of us living in the modern urban world, it is really counter cultural behavior to plunge our hands into the earth. We make a conscious choice to grow something other than grass around our homes. The division between those who are part of the cycle of life that produces food and and those that only consume, creates a schism wherein it is possible to see nature as a commodity rather than a sacred rhythm.

I am learning that finding natural rhythms can be easier than I thought possible. It is in the warm humidity of decaying leaves, in the lapping of the water on the riverbank, the waxing and waning of the moon, and in the beat of my own heart when I sit in silence.

The birds and pesky squirrels know that spring time is full of excitement and new life. As summer approaches, I turn my attention toward my garden to help sooth away the stresses of modernity. The ice and snow of last winter are only memories now; the idea of a sterile, white, and ice covered landscape seems ludicrous while touching the verdant ferns and flowering plants around me.

Labels: cat, garden, gardening, life, plants, spiritual path

JB aka JayBee created this post at 3:04 PM.

Drawing a spirit map at the river's edge

This past weekend, I went with three women, witches all, to the sandy bank of the mighty Mississippi River. Rain threatened to fall on us as thunder sounded in the distance, so we waited for a while before walking down to the river. Once we arrived at the river, we determined our collective and individual intentions for the meditation, and we each drew a rune. We placed our runes next to each other in the sand and then drew the runes into the sand of the river beach. Incense was lit, and a blessing of water was given. We grounded ourselves in the shifting sands under our feet. We then cast a circle, and each of us took a spirit journey to the rhythm of Diane's drum. In addition to the entrancing beat of the drum, I used a Sufi method of entering into mystery, spinning in a manner somewhat like a whirling dervish for several minutes. When I stopped spinning, my sensory experience with the river flowing nearby, felt timeless and primal. I felt the sand under my feet as a sensual reminder of my physical existence, and then waded into the river. That which is between the worlds touches all the worlds.

Four military aircraft suddenly flew directly overhead. The jets followed the curve of the river through the city. Their unexpected and loud appearance in our sacred space was striking, reminding me that even on the bank of a tranquil river, current events in the larger world are inescapable. The planes reminded of the ongoing and tragic was that our nation is fighting in Iraq, and the immense human and financial cost of this insane war.

I then did a short walking meditation that I learned from Buddhists in the Netherlands, where you walk very slowly, carefully and intentionally. The goal is to be aware of not only each step, but of each minuscule muscle movement that goes into making each step. Each step takes roughly 30 seconds to make. I also vocalized a deep aum as I made each step.

The drumming ended and took some time to map out our spiritual journeys. My spirit map is above. It was one of my first spirit maps but certainly not my last. Months ago, Donald had explained that spirit mapping is a way of visually representing a spiritual journey, be the specific journey one which lasted only a few minutes or an entire lifetime. The map above represents my entire morning. There are some common symbols that one can use to help communicate concepts, persons, things or places. Using understandable common symbols is important if you want other persons to be able to read your map.

The maps drawn by others that morning were interesting and distinctly different from my own. Kristy sketched copies of each of our maps, as she communicated that since words often work better for her than images; her spirit map was a journal entry. She also shared that for her the four jets flying overhead represented the four of us, soaring through the heavens. I was amazed and joyful that she could make the warplanes into something beautiful and wonderful. Something Magical Happens.

Shortly after sharing our maps, Diane left because she had an appointment to make, and we became three. After a time we discharged our circle into the river with gesture and sound. We walked the many stairs up from the river to the street level, and we called it a good morning.

I drove Connie home, and then I went to play soccer.

Labels: river, spirit map, water

JB aka JayBee created this post at 5:31 PM.

Illumination

Film can be a really excellent method for communicating a story. I believe that film has become a much more important and influential medium than the more traditional narrative of the novel. I went to school to learn to write, to become "well read" and to find my voice so that I could communicate something to the world, and to those that would come after me. I am deeply touched on an emotional level more often by the celluloid and light of cinema than by the ink and text of the novel.

This gives me pause and makes me wonder about my education. All the time that I was analyzing novels and writing analysis of character development and plot structure, I thought myself so esoteric and irresponsible for not studying finance, marketing or some other area that would be "worthy of a career" -I was learning to write. I thought studying literature made me an artist of some sort, or perhaps was giving me the tools to become an artist by way of becoming a well rounded individual. In hindsight, my education was far more traditional than I would have ever considered. That education prepared me for the career that I hold today, a civil service position at a Big-Ten university. If I had gone to film school, then perhaps this would have put me in a position not to hold a responsible job, but to pursue a career in story telling. Well enough of this meme and on to what this report is really about: mortality and belief.

I received a letter the other day, actually it was not a letter, it was more of a card. It was addressed to me and my gay homosexual lover from my wildly evangelical sister Diane. My lover had opened it first. He knew that it would be juicy, and I am not sure if he was disappointed by the contents. The card was either an advertisement for Jesus, or an advertisement to see a preacher of Jesus; it asked us to attend a service on Easter Sunday. The card read:

The Jesus Legend
How much of Jesus' life really happened?
The Top Five historical
arguments against
believing in Jesus.

Are they convincing?

We invite you to join us
Easter Weekend to find out
why the evidence suggests
they're not.

A location and service times were then listed. My sister had handwritten:

To John,
You are invited!

P.S. You won't be disappointed!

Despite her overuse of exclamation points, I was not interested. I have heard this straw man argument before, trying to convince you that there is no reason NOT to believe in Jesus. This is unreasonable, I don't need a reason not to believe in something. I don't need a reason not to believe in unicorns and I don't need a reason not to believe in Bigfoot. Convincing me that I do not have a reason not to believe something is silly. You have to convince me with reason to believe in something.

Why should I believe in unicorns? If you want me to believe in unicorns, then the onus is on you to present me with some evidence that a unicorn exists. Want me to believe in Bigfoot, then provide some documentation that this creature exists. Want me to believe in your god, then present me reasons to believe in your god. Don't debunk arguments for disbelief. Believing that something exists requires evidence. Believing that something extraordinary exists requires extraordinary evidence. Lets deal with reality rather than presenting a straw man argument.

The most unfortunate thing is that my sister thinks that there is something in this line of flawed reasoning that is worthwhile and that will sway a thinking person.

It is also frustrating that my sister is trying to use this card as a substitute for talking with me directly. Instead of speaking with me face to face regarding something that she finds important, she hopes that her pastor will create some sort of magical shortcut to getting me to believe in what she believes in. I find that sad.

Finally, I want to touch on some of the themes that I found really wonderful in the film that JSP and I watched tonight. In Everything is Illuminated Elijah Woods' character goes looking for some links to his family's past after his grandmother gives him a photograph on her deathbed. The photograph contains the image of his grandfather and an unknown woman in the Ukraine. The film unfolds at a beautiful pace and the audience is treated to what it is like for an American to go abroad for the first time, learning that most of the world is nothing like the USA. Eventually he finds what he is looking for, although it is not as simple as he first thought it would be.

Near the end of the film, the woman that he has traveled around the world to find offers him a physical object. Elijah Woods' character is a collector of items, so it is puzzling that he does not want to take this item, a wedding ring. The Ukrainian woman explains to him that he has not come around the world and incidentally found the ring. She asserts that he has come around the world because the ring exists. The subtle but profound difference which she points out, is that he came to find the ring because of the ring's existence. The ring was preserved and holds memory, in a sense it is enchanted. He did not just happen to find the ring, its physical existence is why he came looking for it. Even though he did not know it existed, it was why he made his journey.

This explanation gives the physical item more importance and more power than if it were an incidental find. The Ukrainain woman's perspective imbues this ring with meaning, gravity and magic. This is the kind of magic that I believe in, magic that comes from putting meaning into things and experiences, not from some external fairy-tale thundering god in the sky. I will not believe in worshiping pain and suffering, nor brand-name divinity such as "Jesus saves." I will live and die by my own search for meaning and love, and I will not accept or worship a mass marketed deity created and written down by nomads thousands of years ago. These nomads did not have running water, electricity, reliable medicine, or computers, in short they were even stupider than we are today. I'll trust my own thoughts, feelings and reasoning over theirs any day.

Happy Easter.

Labels: Easter, illuminated, Jesus, love, magic, straw man

JB aka JayBee created this post at 12:11 AM.

Dream journaling at 4:00 AM

I was dreaming a few minutes ago: dreaming of symbols, dreaming about runes.

The dream began on this coming Monday, which I know is the Jewish holiday of Passover. The setting of the dream is the indoor soccer facility that I have been playing in for the past several months. So the dream takes place in the future, on Passover in a sport hall. As the dream begins, I am walking to the soccer field and I encounter Demetri, a Russian man that I play soccer with. He asks me a question, and I suggest that he pull a rune. He pulls a rune and I see it in my head, though I am not certain any longer what rune it was. I encounter other members of my team on the way to the field, and each of them pulls a rune. The sigil of each pull burns in my vision, and leaves an imprint in my visual field within the dream. I see the runes that have been pulled in formations. I know that they have something to tell me, and I know it is related to this time and place. I also am aware that this is a dream, as I look at the runes burnt into the oak coins which seem to hang in the air around me.

My mind becomes sensitive to the fact that Norse spirituality is sometimes corrupted by white supremacists who use it as a tool to further their dangerous and terribly misguided perspective in a "spiritual" realm. I become aware that the confluence of these Norse Runes and Passover are an unorthodox but not a conflicting pairing in my dream.

At this time I try to read each of the runes, to glean the meaning from this primitively powerful alphabet and to bring the runic poem into my mind. There are twelve runes pulled and in my visual field, and although I can see each of them in the dream, I realize that I cannot bring all of them with me from the dream. I know I see the Rune of Gyfu which means "gift" and Eihwaz which means "yew." As I said there were twelve runes pulled and I wish I could remember the order and the names of the rest of them. I am not sure if Naudiz which means "need" was pulled or if I just associated this with Gyfu which looks somewhat similar.

I had the sense during the dream that something drastic was on the verge of happening. I felt that something significant was immanent, and I was not sure if this thing would be violence, like an explosion going off outside the soccer facility, or something all together different.

It became apparent to my dreaming mind that I would remain in this restless dream unless I got up and wrote about it. I am fulfilling that charge now so that I may go back to bed and sleep soundly. It is 4:42 AM now, so I am returning to bed. I look forward to spending some of the evening of Passover in the sport hall. I will bring my runes with me when I pack my shin guards and shoes.

Labels: dream, Passover, runes, soccer

JB aka JayBee created this post at 5:03 AM.

Twin Cities Reclaiming (Ethel Me')

Let me tell you about a fantastic class that I have been participating in for the last eight or so months. The class (or path) that I have been participating in is facilitated by a man that I have had the benefit of knowing for a few years, we both have attended the Midwest Men's Festival.

I first found out about the group through an email that Donald sent to me containing lots of information. Some of this information is copied below.

Ethel Mé – Twin Cities Reclaiming Community Offerings

Ethel Mé, the priestessing program begun in 2005, by Donald Engstrom/Reese, Paul Eaves and Teri Parsley Starnes has changed form for 2006 - 2007. The words Ethel Mé could be translated from Nordic runes (Ethel) and Sumerian language (Mé) as Clan Magic. It is this magic of the clan that we invoke for our work this year.

We will gather monthly to experience, explore and deepen our clan magic. As last year, we will meet one Saturday a month. Different from last year, there will be three paths offered in the mornings from 9:00 am to noon. [See path descriptions below.] These paths require a year’s commitment from its members... Our meeting dates will be the third Saturday of the month. We ask for a donation for each meeting.

Note: the first gathering will be on Saturday, September 16. In the afternoon, we will have the Fall Twin Cities Reclaiming meeting while we celebrate the season with a harvest feast. We invite those who claim to be Reclaiming witches and those who do not. At this feast, we will talk about how we want to move forward as a community, gathering ideas about our afternoon sessions and any other community concerns.


Elements of Magic Intensive
anchored by Donald Engstrom/Reese

One of the projects Ethel Me’ will present this coming season is a year-long intensive focused on the Elements of Magic. This program will encompass the basics taught in many standard Reclaiming Witchcraft 101 classes. However,we will explore these basics and other topics to a depth not normally allowed for in a shorter Reclaiming introductory session. In this Elements intensive we will look at, among other things, ritual design, daily practice, spell working, trance journeying, the labyrinth, Pagan prayer beads, gender work, the seven sacred voices, and many assorted elemental gifts of the multiverse.

Together we will dare to live awake, aware and with conscious intent. Together we will dare to delve deep within and without, nurturing our relationships with the Mysterious Ones, ancestors and spirits of the Upper Mississippi Valley. Together we will dare to dwell in Beauty, Balance and Delight.

This class will be anchored by Donald L. Engstrom/Reese, who each month will be joined by local and visiting guest teachers.

Participants are expected to commit to attending at least ten of the twelve Elements sessions.

Today we met for our eighth session, and it was again, a wonderful experience. I have been an atheistic mystic for a very long time, called myself a radical faerie for several years, and more recently I have begun to embrace the term "witch." I am learning old and new traditions, and I am tapping into mystery in a new way and with renewed intention.

Labels: community, coven, druid, Ethel Me, faggot god, magic, mystery, nature, witchcraft

JB aka JayBee created this post at 8:54 PM.

Labyrinths and Runes

Roughly nine months have passed and I have had few long nights of the soul since my return to Minneapolis, Minnesota, so this space has been less important to me recently. I have been tending my inner garden and also been keeping up with my dharma: working full time, contributing time and energy to my family and my community, and generally doing my best to dwell in beauty balance and delight.

My use of this space is not over. I want to transform this place, which had been about communicating my personal sense of isolation while living in Philadelphia, into a space for exploring spiritual pursuits. In the past I have called myself an atheistic mystic, and I hold onto this description while I also develop tools for exploring the mystery of the unknown. Two sets of tools that I have recently begun working with include Labyrinths and Runes.

Labyrinths have been found across time and cultures, and from my basic and short time studying them, I find that they are almost universal and cross cultural shapes. The idea of a winding and possibly confusing path is analogous to the experiences of a human life. There is a single beginning (birth) and a single destination (death) but the loops and turns can be confusing and difficult. Labyrinths are beautiful and aesthetically pleasing. Following the path of a labyrinth, also known as "Ariadne's thread," can calm one's mind and the journey to the center of a labyrinth can be an exercise in centering oneself.

Runes are symbols, or sigils, that used to be used to write Germanic languages. Rune markings have been found on stones and valuable personal items dating from the pre-Christian middle ages in Europe. Runes can also be used for divination purposes, in some ways similar to tarot cards. Each rune represents an object or concept such as cattle, ice, or a birch tree. Each rune also represents a stanza from an old Norse poem. It is interesting and rewarding to try to glean some meaning from the rune or runes drawn. The nature of this sort of divination makes concrete answers difficult, but can yeild insight into a question or issue.

JB aka JayBee created this post at 1:28 PM.